Because most caregivers are women, we have traditionally carried the responsibility for “making holidays happen.” We cook, clean, buy gifts, make the food, consider everyone’s emotional needs, make the guest lists, etc. Some of us will feel totally responsible for how happy everyone is with the events of the season. Some of us have lots of people to please and lots of expectations.

Lately, I have been whispering to myself “you are only one person.” This helps me a lot when I start feeling too responsible. I like this slogan because it makes it clear to me that other people have responsibility for their own happiness too – it should never fall on just one person. So, I have thought of some tips to make Thanksgiving a little more enjoyable for you – the caregiver, the parent, and/or the person who may be seemingly in the center of everyone’s holiday:

1. Distinguish between the ideal and reality: Ideally, your family members would all be totally healthy, well-groomed, happy, and well-adjusted when they sit down to enjoy a Martha Stewart presentation of a delicious traditional Thanksgiving fare. The reality is that few actually have this type of day! In fact, major holidays are the times when family violence, ER visits and psychological crises most often occur! Most of us will be with some mix of people who don’t necessarily get along; those who feel cranky because of physical illness; misbehaving children; and snobs, bores, or worse! The reality is, people are who they are (human) and it is wise to expect and accept it up front so you can work with what you have.
2. Therefore, lower your expectations: One Thanksgiving, it worked out that I was not entertaining or cooking for anyone except my own husband and kids. I was sort of disappointed because I had become used to hosting. I didn’t really do much of any planning and I didn’t even buy a turkey. I let my pre-teen watch as much tv as she always dreamed of being allowed to do in her pajamas no less, I cooked all day (because I like cooking) – but I cooked a little with each kid individually too. Kids played games and my husband happily did whatever it is he does in the garage. We made each person’s favorite food for the feast and we all had a wonderful time. I think it turned out so well because I had no expectation for the day at all. Sometimes, less is more. If you are expecting a grand time, you will run the high risk of being disappointed and tense. Try to enter it as any other day and reduce your expectation of the Women’s Magazine image of the perfect family get-together.
3. Don’t try to Impress: If you are the host or hostess, don’t try to impress. The furniture industry claims that their best business occurs in the month prior to Thanksgiving. People hosting may feel a need to be perfect, have the perfect house, or even compete with siblings to prove worth. It will exhaust you if you try this. If you are a caregiver, you are impressive enough. Skip the display and go for showing off a well-rested hostess who is relaxed enough to enjoy it.
4. Get Creative: Who says you all have to sit in the living room for hours? Movies can be great. Everyone usually feels stuffed, tired, and relaxed – why not watch a family movie? Maybe you could even escape the house and go out to a theater. Walking after the dinner can also help break up the day. Or go out to eat instead. When people are in public, they tend to behave better and no one will have to cook or clean!
5. Be prepared for the inevitable and choose your response ahead of time: how will you handle the critical aunt’s snide remarks about your dinner?; How will you deal with the loud-mouth know-it-all?; Will you get into an argument with the family member who always wants to discuss controversial politics? Decide ahead of time how you wish to behave in response to these triggers. Often smiling and ignoring offensive behavior with a “wow, that is interesting,” is the most effective response.
6. Plan ahead for your Loved One: A person who is not physically healthy will not feel good. Aches, pains, hearing difficulties, and other ailments can make a person miserable or a bit cranky. Patience and understanding are needed. Try to help keep him or her stay as comfortable as possible. Make sure you ask if they need breaks, extra pillows, a blanket, more water – or whatever may help.
7. Make sure your Loved One is included: Especially if your loved one has dementia or has trouble communicating, make sure that he or she is not neglected in conversation. People have a tendency to talk over a person who has this type of condition - as if he or she is not there. Keep a sense of humor about it and help bring the person into the mix. Some ways to do this would be to have people center around this person with a photo album talking about past family get-togethers. This can also help remind others who your loved one used to be if there is a big change in personality.
8. Be Grateful: No matter what a person’s situation, there are always things to be grateful for. Take some time to reflect on this season’s message of gratitude by writing down your blessings, sharing them with others, and/or thanking important people in your life for being there.
9. Remember: You are only one person. It is up to each of the other family members to enjoy themselves and create a good holiday too.

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Photo Credit:  Norman Rockwell:  "Freedom from Want"