Talking to your parents about needing help, important documents, finances and end-of-life care is enough to make anyone wish they had many siblings. After six years of caring for my own parents, I found that being proactive, changing my perspective and focusing on the positive was the only way to go. These tips will help you get started, regardless of your situation or relationship with your parents. Long-distance eldercare may be relatively new, not because no one has experienced this, but because the wave of need is just beginning. Learn from those of us who are at the beginning of the wave. I was fortunate to be able to convince my parents to move closer to my home, but even if your parents are far away, this is a list you should consider.
I connected with an eldercare specialist. Liz Taylor wrote a column for the Seattle Times, popularizing the term "aging deliberately." The time and cost of her expertise have proven to be valuable many times since then. Aging deliberately simply means learning about options and making decisions before a crisis takes control. My husband and I convinced my parents to move closer to us to a facility that offered the care Mom needed.
I met with an attorney who specialized in elder law and had the necessary papers signed. Now that my father is in an Adult Family Home and no longer able to take care of his affairs, the Durable Power of Attorney we had signed about 6 years ago is a godsend.
I talked with my parents about end-of-life care. It wasn’t easy, but I waited for opportunities to bring it up and then listened around the edges. A Durable Power of Attorney helps here, as well as a Physicians Order for Life Sustaining Treatment (POLST).
Since medical care can become the driving force of an elderly parent's life, you'll need to be involved. Because my parents were close, I knew their doctors and went to many appointments. Long-distance caregiving becomes much more complicated, especially navigating medical needs. icareinsite offers you peace of mind and a credible analysis of medications your parent needs. Understanding your parent's medical situation when talking with the doctor is empowering and relieves stress for both you and your parent.
I researched assisted living options, but I would look for different things. The extra time is well worth it.
I would change my perspective. I'm a person who likes organization and everything crossed off of my list. Accomplishing anything on my list (making a doctor's appointment, buying Depends for Mom, taking their cat to the vet, ordering a replacement battery for the wheelchair) became a game of baby steps. It wasn't possible to control my parent's lives as easily as my own.
I would find more time to just sit and talk with Mom. She is gone now and what haunts me is the memory of her eyes. She seldom asked, but she didn't care about the endless list. She just wanted me.
I would allow myself to disconnect more. I would take care of myself more. My parents were never demanding or selfish. It was just that I had to accept the fact that I couldn't fix everything and I had to let some things go. At times, it was a matter of choosing my battles. The yin and yang of my own life was upset in ways I could never have imagined.
Marky Olson, VP of Communications for icareinsite