Whether it is a stroke that leaves someone unable to communicate well, memory complications from Alzheimer’s disease, or the weakness of a serious illness, we often feel fear and a sense of awkwardness visiting a good friend or family member.
Sometimes, the self-consciousness comes because someone is dying or critically ill and we have no idea what to say or how to be present with someone in such a painful situation – much less how to deal with our own grief, sadness and fear.
But, avoidance is not the answer. People who are facing such challenges need to be with the people who are important to them. One thing to remember is that even if you fail miserably on etiquette, 99% of the benefit of your visit is simply your loving presence.
Some general guidelines to help you feel more prepared for any visit are:
- Remember that silence is okay. Sometimes people get so nervous they just babble on and on and really are not present with someone. It is more significant to simply sit with someone than to think of entertaining things to say.
- Err on the side of keeping your visit brief. People are often trapped by their own physical or speech limitations and cannot easily tell you to leave or get up and move away. In a hospital, they often have no ability to leave their bed at all. So, a good rule of thumb is to stay 15 to 20 minutes and then politely leave. If you think the person enjoyed your visit and indicates clearly the desire for you to stay, stay an extra 5-10 minutes only and plan the next visit soon. Keep all your visits within the same time frame to help a person predict how long you will stay.
- Maintain regular manners and social norms. It is always a good idea to knock and pause before entering a person’s room even if you know they cannot answer you. And just like any other social situation, some pleasant small talk is always a good starting point to get comfortable; don’t burden the patient with your own discomfort regarding his or her illness, tragic world news, or your own personal problems. Staying positive is truly a gift at difficult times. Also, ask before turning off the TV or turning up the heat.
- Touch is a sensitive issue – people in the middle of an illness often need to be touched but they also may not want to be touched. Read signals, ask if something feels okay, watch for signs of discomfort, and go slowly. Often, a hand on a shoulder briefly or holding someone’s hand is a good first gesture rather than a gigantic hug. Remember to be brief with it at first to make sure touching is okay with the person or simply ask if it is okay before doing it. If a person is in a wheelchair or hospital bed with automated lifts, do not move them before asking if it is okay.
- Be Calm and Low-key - Very frail seniors and people with serious illnesses are often easily startled – be certain to not enter a room boldly or make unexpected moves around someone.
Read More of the following articles for communicating and visiting with specific conditions:
5 Tips for Visiting with a Person who Has Aphasia or other Speech Disorder
5 Tips for Visiting with a Person who Has Alzheimer’s Disease or Dementia
5 Tips for Visiting with a Person who is Dying or Critically Ill
Again, remember, your visit is vital to a person faced with health challenges and it is not necessary to be witty, amazing, or perfect – it is only important that you be fully present with someone and let him or her know you care. Small, but frequent and regular, visits can be the best part of the day for many people who are otherwise isolated by health conditions. It is sometimes hard or uncomfortable – but also is one of the most loving things you can do as a friend or a family member.
Health Resources
Lori Paterno, M.Ed., 6/23/11